i’m no psalmist, but i can love

I bet you think your only value is how people see you, but you’re worth more than that to me. You have a soul and a life and a vitality all your own and potential for great things that shows up just when no one is looking. Who you are is how you do things, and I’ve seen you call upon your grandmother’s gentle ways in how you love people. Yes, your obsession for trendy things and self-entertainment waxes in your lesser humbling moments, but a broken heart and a broken will just for self always calls back your truer model. Truly, you were built to love and care and give of yourself to express your joy and bright spirit… and how sad it is to fall out of your good graces and personal charm, but how common. I used to long to see your spirit free; free from a self to serve and needless cares. A time I longed to love you but you weren’t for me. And here in my memory I call and remember the girl I knew; the one who’s skin radiated a daily joy, imperfections endearing and eyes not to be ignored. I could see the best in you, and I think it saw it’s way to the same in me; the things we’ll become, though now unseen. The things I become through eyes that green.

The things we become through other’s eyes.

maybe why, maybe not

Things are just different. I don’t know how to describe most of it, but most of what I would call Christian seems to be a lot harder to follow these days. I think the root of it is I got used to the idea of freedom in Christ, but then got too liberal with it, and then became aware of it and now have swung the other way and the fundamental belief in grace and God’s love for me has become somewhat separated from my thinking and knowing. So maybe I’m trying to ‘re-grasp’ what it is to be Christian, a lover of Christ, and a disciple apart from a common practice of personal legalism and holding reservations and the idea of my ultimate control over things. Or I could just say it’s hard and different, and that seems to be a little better way of describing the feeling of it, anyway. Not entirely hopeless, though, I don’t think. It could be I’m too focused on feelings.
I had a good reminder Sunday night about what God has shown me of himself, though, and that was encouraging.

of remembrance

Here I raise my Ebenezer; my rock of remembrance.  Lamentations 3:24.

A leader of mine, Scott, remembers well 3:22 and 23, and now I seek to remember them, too.  Twenty-four, though,  has comforted me much in the past.  My allotment in life is the Lord; my portion.  Some are given musical talents to hone, and others to take risks, but the thing that has been given me is to concern myself with matters of the heart and of the Lord.  So God is ‘my thing’, if you will.

Ebenezers thus far:  Ezekiel 36:26, 27 and Lamentations 3:22-24.  Great truths.

i’m a flower

It can never be ‘ok’ to ignore God’s influence in your life.  Once you know Him, there’s really no reason to; your way will never even seem ok apart from His way, and if you continue on your own, you just won’t feel right.  There’s a longing, you see; a real need.  Like a deflated plant for lack of water.  See, the pressure in the cells of a plant that keep it stiff and pretty and useful for anything is water pressure(turgor pressure).  Without turgor pressure, the cells’ slightly flexible walls bend due to the shrinking of the interior of the cells without water to sustain their shape… hence:  wilting flowers.  The decreasing level of water in the plant slowly withers the plant away until it finally dies.  Sure, the plant looks green and colorful still, at least at first, but then the edges start to curl in towards itself in an effort to conserve water and as cells begin to die at the furthest edges where water takes the longest to get to.  Eventually, the flower dies in every visible way.  HOWEVER, many plant species’ roots remain alive… waiting for the water to come back and fuel another growth of life above the soil.

So why all the botany?  Well, for one thing, I’m on a break from yard work this morning, but also, if you couldn’t guess, I’m getting at a metaphor.

The plant is the Christian whole person, the annual plant, anyway.  (Annuals come back every year on there own because the roots never die.  Perennials die after their season and new ones must be planted to see them come back.  There’s a metaphor there, too.  )  The water is the Christian livelihood, the Holy Spirit and spiritual things (the Word, prayer, obedience, faith, service, devotion, belief).  The flower is the person’s visible expression of the effect of the water, and the fruit they bear.  The soil of the plant is the kingdom created by God.

So, when the annual plant has been seeded and has sprouted roots into the soil; when a person comes into the kingdom (is saved) and becomes firmly embedded in the community, fully able to glean the benefits of the richness therein, as a plant gains nutrients from the soil; the water, or Christian livelihood, allows the nutrients (the benefits of the community) to nourish the roots and the flower, and the water itself allows for the plant’s building up (growth) and helps to sustain it.  The water provides for the transportation of the nutrients from the soil into the plant, and then, once the nutrients have been deposited to form new cells which add to the plant’s growth, the water also provides sustenance to support the new growth so that it doesn’t fail, but remains healthy and robust; continually bringing in more nutrients from the soil to maintain the previous growth and provide for new growth when it’s possible and profitable.

Now, when the water is reduced to the plant, the flower loses it’s support and begins to collapse.  The flower absolutely must have a continuous water supply to be supported and to grow.  The bigger the plant, the MORE water it needs, not less.  The plant doesn’t say to itself:  ‘Self, you’re big and beautiful, and you don’t need that water you used to be dependent on anymore.  No, you have enough good soil around you to last a lifetime and you’ve earned the right to be self-sustaining.’  That would be ridiculous!  The flower NEEDS the water precisely because the water is the only thing that allows it to live!  All the nutrients in the world from the soil won’t help if there’s no water to wash them into the plant’s core!  So we see the water is essential to the Christian plant; living water, you might say.

Again, when you take away even some of the water, the flower begins to collapse and wilt, but it can always be revived again with more water.  Cut the water off for any reason, though, and you’ll see (or feel) the effects in the flower.  So people who have great community can still be dying spiritually because they neglect to take in the spiritual water that they need.  Neglect to take it in long enough, and not only will they feel the deficiency, but others will see the effects, as well; in their attitude, demeanor, and the over-all way they live their life.

So what about those who seem to shrivel up and to die; the ones who ‘fall away’?  Well, there’s only two ways that can go.  Either the living water is in them or only the resemblance of the water is in them.

Jesus says in the Bible that “27My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;

28and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand.”

Paul also assures us that “6For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Though he was speaking to he church at Philippi, there is a confidence we can have in the plans of Christ that the Lord will complete what he has begun.  By this confidence, and by our common faith in the goodness, righteousness, and justice of the Lord, we can only say that the Lord knows his sheep and the sheep know their Lord; so let the Lord’s will be done.

Though some fall away now, not all of their roots dry up and die as well; and even those that may shrivel and dry up might be given true life later.  Our God is the God of life, after all.  The Lord will complete his work, and grant some repentance and belief.  But it is not for us to know for sure who is a true believer and will return, and who will never come back, nor who will come at all.  We can only be watchful and pray and seek the Lord’s face and ask for his forgiveness and repentance on behalf of our brothers and sisters who seem to lose hope or have none to begin with.  Who knows?  Maybe the Lord has only pruned them or us in order that when the flower comes back again we might be more fruitful and more beautiful than before.

The Lord has his ways, and he tells us that he disciplines his children.  He sends rain on the good and the evil, the just and the unjust, but only some have a lasting root; those who have it will yield 30, 60, and 100 fold for the Lord’s harvest.  Those who’s root is not lasting will be gathered up and thrown into the fire to be burned.

So how’s the water in you?  Is it in abundance?  Has the dry season come?  If not, it will.  Be sure that your roots go deep into the water-rich soil so that in adversity you will not be shaken, and you will be a sign of hope to those who seek the living water and the good soil.  I pray that others may see you and the richness of your fruit and glorify the God who sustains you.  Drink deep brothers and sisters.

on the schiz again

Not everything on my heart is for right now?  That doesn’t compute.  I don’t like that very much, and that’s probably because I automatically turn to frustration instead of anticipation.  So what is my task right now, Lord?  What is it, exactly, that I am to be faithful with to be prepared for the next phase?  I just want you to know that I don’t expect an answer, and fully believe that I’ll know one day (probably right after, or right before, the end of this time).  But I’m having a hard time of it.  I need your assurance, God; I need your comfort in a way.   Show me, Lord, the steadfastness of your will over my life.  Please, Father, my only Father, Father to the fatherless; please help me.  I see where I am at the moment and its not where I am meant to be.   My whole viewpoint is skewed, it seems, sometimes, and the rest of the time it seems my vision is too localized; my dreams too small; my eyes too dim; my motives too shallow; my heart too cold, and my mouth too bold.  -At least too bold for the way I turn around and live.

I love the testimony of older men; it always exposes me for the young, naive, impatient man that I am.  Their wisdom shows my small perception of God and just how much I wish I was more mature.  Oh, that God would grant me 10 years maturity from where I am now… maybe I don’t really want that.  I have learned at least one thing so far… don’t ASK for the hard stuff… it’ll definitely come and it doesn’t need any more help getting here.

Oh Father, forgive me, please.  I don’t deserve you.  Please never leave me, and don’t leave me here.

I became keenly aware this evening that I don’t want to die.  Shortly before this I became very aware that I will.  I fear.  I don’t want to be afraid.  I want to look long and hard into death and only see temporary pain and the fulfillment of God’s purpose for me; the kingdom having been expanded and the broken hearted bound up in the hope of Christ that reveals all afflictions as light and momentary.  I want.  God, because of your son, and through him, please hear my prayer and perform your will.  Please conform me to you, and cut away at all that ensnares and tangles and chokes.  Pull me to yourself, and don’t let me see anything but you.  Force my step; provide for my faith, please; O, God, lend me your peace.  What ever I hold dear, snatch it away and give me my need, my Lord, my God.  Rend me from it as a child from the element.  I would gladly follow again at your leading, if only you’ll give me the strength.  Be glorified.  Be.  Be known.  Be feared.  Be revered.  Be honored.  You bless me that you Are.  Deep calls to deep and it’s unspeakable, unsearchable.  Aching.  Aching…

embracing.accusations

Father of lies, coming to steal kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

He’s right, halleluia, he’s right
The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of
God to me tonight?
That if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine
I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide”

The devil’s singing over me an age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He’s forgotten the refrain.
JESUS SAVES!!!

only a respite of the soul

I want to know Him and seek to draw near to His side.  I want to know the pursuit and to pursue.  And quickly I turn aside to stay my wonder and fear.  See how my knowledge comes to nothing in the face of a believer.  What shall I be?  A thing of pity?  No, no; but of strength unqualified; a tool in the crafting hands.  Reproved and redeemed to be delicate and fragile; useful for detail, to hew out finer things.  Of what detail and what measure?  It is given today and of this moment, do I find, is His strength and pressure binding my parts together, frail and unrefined and as yet to see purpose but purposed underlying.  There’s step ready to heavy fall, but it’s plod is unrealized, undone as yet.  There where a foot will fall is sure, but when securely will I fast my stance?  Hold fast, hold fast!  But the unfinished step won’t know it’s rest as I glance and long and covet my destination for it’s sake.  My time, my time to gaze, sweep up, and fall my eyes on the final rest; the path is a passing moment, sooner death than a taste of what is to come.  It is anticipation’s frustration expounded in stride, never hitting the ground, but a forced ascent; a forced requite from the unyielding nature of things; but only as they stand.  The road’s end finds rest and a hard, resolute pound of the earth; deep and filling the soul.  Deeply filled, deeply known.

it is enough

What I have been given is a chance to keep pace with the only pace that matters. Today’s goal: To be faithful with what I have been given to do and be today. Will I follow Him today? How far am I willing to go today? To which end of the earth shall I set my sight? To which street corner?

There are lessons designed to be taught; this one is to be learned.