a current realization of modern american idioms (as they seem to exist among my peers)

‘Cool’ costs money. ‘Awesome’, however, costs very little to no money, and is likely to bring more over-all enjoyment; though, ‘awesome’ may tend to be more momentary or temporary, as opposed to ‘cool’, which can be coupled with or later converted into ‘nice’, which will probably provide more lasting enjoyment and/or an increase in one’s quality of life (according to what an average American would deem ‘increase in quality of life’, which really deals with perception, in general).

Observe your exclamations and witness the outcomes of the subjects you find yourself raving about.

remembering the walls

It may never fail that my ‘demons’ will find me out and see to it that my temptations will exceed my personal strength and conviction. And again, it may never fail that my resolve and determination will wilt and decay in a moments hesitation in turning from what is dark for any reason at all. It may never fail, in my eyes, that my affections would be so easily swayed by steady inoculation against the pure and lovely under a guise of loving-kindness to others and praise unto self; only to awaken through stinging eyes to the stale blood of my dearest held friends and beloved. It may never, oh God, it may never fail that I should walk toward you with eyes closed as if in trust, but feeling the way all along, and find myself soon again fast in a corner with only a mind to press forward, with hands only to feel the barrier to right and to left, and no ears to hear the call from behind beckoning obedient and attentive steps back into to the seeming void!

These, indeed, may never fail, but the strength and worth and power and holiness of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob will never fail, and there, where I may turn in all my times of desperation and need and humiliation and failure, is where my strength is never needed and my convictions rest secure; my resolve and determination have been resolutely predetermined; my affections have been secured and the haunt of old blood on my hands has been forgiven; expunged.

Oh that I would listen and turn and thrust into the void! Away from the walls! Away from the known and the long-beheld indifference of false securities! That I would find a moments pause of the least courage that would turn my feet, as if to ruin and fall, not knowing the end, should be better and more desirable than a lifetime of ease and certainty in my walls! My walls!

My walls… Behind my self is unseen and unknown; it frightens me. It does; out there where where I may stumble and I may fall and there may be rocks that cut and bite and claim my feet in a ruinous state for a payment for my daring…

[a pause, and then a moment in the mind of the moment]

But what? What new feet? What and how? How can you say tha..a new walk?! But what sense is that? I am grown and am old and I can walk now. I can use my feet to never stray from my predictable safety. I have what I need. I have what I need. Yes, I’m fine. Yes. This is what I can handle. I’ll be fine, thank you-Wait! You’re leaving! Why are you leaving?! Why-how do I know that? How do I know that? How is it that I-is that your hand? What-is that your hand? …It’s warm… It’s nice. You know this is really comforting. I think-you’re moving! Whoa! Ah! Wait! Hold on-I can’t-wait!-I can’t feel my w-I don’t know-I can’t see anything! I can’t see anything… wait, there is light out here… has this always been here?

[and again, to reflection, on a different day]

Truthfully, I would take that hand again and again.  If it were necessary, I would return to the same sense of hopelessness and defeat; if it was required to reach that place of open willingness; the place of open mindedness, for the first time.

But oh, thank God that I don’t have to return to those places and take those pains again!  Thank the Lord that I cannot, because the truth has been loosed upon me!  It is done.  And who, after knowing the truth, would accept the lie again?  Who would reach for the empty water jar knowingly; when you’ve been beaten and bloodied and left for dead on the dry ground, so unforgiving, and you’re looking for healing and restoration and kindness?

Well, it is He, I can say, who is healing and restorative and an ever-moist tongue; and I will always say it for the rest of my time.  If it were not true I would not make such boastful claims, because that, oh reader, would be the cruelest form of callousness I could offer to a poor and wounded creature.  If this life were mine to give there would be no measure to the pouring out of such a gift.  Yes, even I can know such generosity in the face of loving another, but it is not mine.  Even better, it is the gift-giver’s.  The one who can supply and supplant your fears of the unknown and the hated.  It’s a most curious and wondrous bewitching, but not magic at all, nor even true persuasion, but only the truth pill. The dose of reality that jostles and jars at your life as you’ve perceived it.  Never was there a preoccupation with the truth and it’s nature so deep and so aching as when this was revealed to me by the gift-giver.  The lie cannot stand.  I won’t have it any longer, and nor will my affections pander to its selfish and destructive aggrandizement of its own qualities and influence.  No, no.. you had me and lost me and I don’t pity you!  Your snare was never to be mine in finality or completion, but a nagging snap at my heals which, now having slipped its grip, is more loathsome than it ever appeared comforting, and all praise hallows my true God for his mercy and strength over my weakness in succumbing to you.  I’ll deal with you no more!  You’re not worth the time and thought; besides, my own strength is not to be relied upon in such matters, but only to look to the Ruler of all things and trust Him to aid my defenses in quashing your proud rebellion against King and all creation.  Indeed, I lift holy hands by a power other than my own, and lay my head in the cradle of the arms that mustered and firmed the founding rock of all created being.  Hail! Hail! Hail!

And now to Wal-Mart for some windshield wipers, since God decided to let it rain today.  It is a blessing on us all.