i feel sick, pray for me

I feel sick.  Internally, spiritually, mental-anguish kind of sick.  A snapshot of my life at the moment reveals me to be hollow and stagnant.  I have neglected much in the last few months, and I’m paying for it daily in quiet pain and malaise.  My days and relations are bereft of joy and vigor; remaining up-beat for more than a few moments becomes taxing and burdensome.  Responsibilities and requirements are a bother and I think upon my momentary dissatisfaction much more than one ought to.  My drive to serve others is mostly dry and I rarely minister to another’s need without first being asked to.  I haven’t expressed any creativity in a year or more now; I’ve not been inspired to, nor had an inclination beyond fond memories.  I’m not myself.

What explanation is there?  It is this, and you should take me seriously:  I have begun taking on the tasks, responsibilities and future planning that belongs to God on myself.  Essentially, I haven’t been trusting God with my life, lately.  Out of laziness, I’ve only read the Bible once or twice for personal enjoyment/devotion (as opposed to the somewhat textbook fashion employed in school) in the last several months, and accordingly, my prayer-life went to pot soon after.  With no consistent community, a propensity for holding on to past experiences and their daily merits in their original settings (though I should move on now), and an increasing technical knowledge being unused in any truly constructive way, everything is off, to say the least.  My relationship with the Lord is my life-blood; as of right now, it’s in a sickly state of neglect.  I am ashamed and somewhat guilty.

Tomorrow begins movement again, I hope.  That’s the goal and that’s the plan.  Things are not OK, and I need to unhand what is not mine to control.  The Lord provides, and the Lord is merciful.  I hope my effectiveness for the Kingdom will be restored and more.  My hope is my rescuer, Jesus; Messiah, who saves from death and is redeeming the world and the people in it.  My hope can only be God, because nothing else matters; nothing else has lasting power or authority.  God, destroy my arrogance.

You, my friends, please pray.  Intercession is all that will do good; and thank the Lord that he is faithful and kind!

of the moment and the grind

Must:

• begin exegesis paper
• begin homework today
• pray for wisdom/guidance/patience/steadfastness
• do laundry
• eat
• bathe
• give more of myself than seems possible
• give a witness of what I have seen
• learn to rest
• learn more about my identity
• listen more readily

Maybe:

• compile and reduce my wardrobe
• go into business with a friend
• hold off on school next semester
• go climbing this week
• line up creative activities
• work more and pay more in order to pay less
• learn how to learn languages
• start asking more probing questions
• teach little girls less destructive, but fun, outlets of energy
• climb more trees

Mustn’t:

• fail to try
• believe what I know to be a lie
• waste money
• waste time
• think that all is for naught
• condemn what I do not understand
• live a life against the good command
• shrink back for the fear of man
• spend time in self-serving imaginary worlds
• jump to conclusions
• submit to escapism
• resort to excuses