petty?

Of late I’ve been spiritually barren, to be honest. I’ve run to many other things rather than looking to God, and the more dull-hearted I became, the more I ran and sought other things to try and satisfy me. Well, tonight I finally broke and called out to God. I told him I didn’t want to leave him and that I would follow him where ever he goes and that I will have no home here. I told him I would always love him and chase after nothing else. So, to mark this, and to remind myself… and to have something to start a few conversations with, I cut my hair. I made a vow to God, and to ratify it, I cut my hair. And honestly, I’m a little upset about it. I shouldn’t be, especially since it is meant to mark my determination to pursue the Lord, but I am all the same. I loved my hair. It was beautiful. But I think I’ve had an unhealthy attachment to it and I need to let it go. My vanity has always been my quickest go-to for self-esteem. It’s one of the quickest undercuts for my servant mindset: for me to start thinking I’m better because I have nice hair… whoopty-do.

I was going to get dreads around Christmas or next summer, but it was really for vanity’s sake, and this is more important, especially right now. I’ll probably grow my hair out again. I really do like it when it’s grown out, but for now, I need to remember my vows. I need to think a little less highly of myself and love others and God a little more. My being faithful is very important to me, but very hard right now for whatever reason… I mean, come on… a haircut makes me upset. I know there was a time that it wouldn’t have, but I’ve come to a place where that’s the reality. Gah! Prayers would be appreciated. Much love.